SOME POSSIBLE DISCUSSION TITLES:
Living Is loving and learning
Marry someone you want to grow old with
Kids Don’t Come With Owner’s Manuals
Live Without Expectations
Happiness Comes From Within
Mental Health Is Your Greatest Wealth
There is Happiness After Marriage
There Is Life After Divorce
There is Life After Death
Love Is The Greatest Aphrodisiac
Growing Old Is For The Bold
God Loves You As You Are
Death Is Forever
Too Late To Change After Death
Follow me and you will have life and happiness
Let Your Intelligence Do Your Thinking
Laughter Is A Gas
Money
Politics
Taxes
Never Think Negatively
Responsibility
Sex Is Not A Four Letter Word
God Is Not The Problem
God Loves You And So Do I
I hope this book inspires. I hope this book has good teachings in it. It may not reach Biblical status as my mother probably was not a virgin and I am not likely to die on the cross and rise from the dead. I do expect you will be saved in some ways if you believe in some of my teachings. I do not demand you believe in me or obey every thing I say.
I wonder if God will ever speak out again. He has been very silent a long time.
With the good teachings of Jesus, you do not have to believe in his virgin birth or resurrection. Nor, do you have to deny those events. You can ignore them, accept them, praise them or live with them.
Much in the Bible makes logical sense. Some things do not. Historically much is both factual and inaccurate. It is full of writings of men who were recording their feelings and their fears and their dreams and their interpretations of history. Like this book. Each author believes he is inspired. Some group of men someday might want to include this book as a Book of the Bible. I am not counting on it. It would be called the book of Bahr.
I have problems with the concept of original sin. I will not be condemned to death, hell or even heaven because someone else ate of forbidden fruit thousands of years ago in a garden called Eden. My god does not punish me or all humans for eternity for the acts of Adam and Eve. Some founders of churches may think so. But I don’t and you shouldn’t.
I felt for a long time that if I did not drink, my father would be cured of alcoholism. It did not work. I reasoned later that if my Dad was being punished because I drank, that would make no sense. He was punishing himsel because he drank.
Now God might kill Adam and Eve when they ate of the tree of knowledge or kick them out of the Garden of Eden. That would seem reasonable. But for God to punish me with Original Sin makes no sense. Seems more like a scare tactic made up by some church official that wants me to pay tithing.
An X-spouse may blame another for their problems. But I don’t believe I am responsible for the transgressions or Adam and Eve or for a spouse or x-spouse or for the actions or inactions of anyone.
A talking snake convinces Eve to bite an apple and I’m to be held accountable? Give me a break! A spouse or x-spouse may blame me for their problem, but I am not buying it. I am responsible for my actions or inactions.
Churches would love for me to believe I am thus a sinner and every human is a sinner.
Thus I should tithe. I should not give up 10 per cent of my income because of Adam and Eve?
Mary could have been stoned under law had not Joe agreed to marry her and provide a reason for Mary’s pregnancy.
Bible treats women as servants, lesser vessels, and sex slaves to their male masters. I’m not surprised. The authors were probably males. It is like today when lawyers write the law that help lawyers create more business for themselves. I suspect these male Bible book authors were also advancing their positions.
The couple books written by women, take a more favorable position for females.
Is it any wonder I prefer to be left to my own beliefs?
My beliefs may from time to time vary between childhood and old age. I believe like Clarence Darrow, “Anybody who can believe those old myths and fables isn’t governed by reason.”
In addition, I believe that the faith I acquire in myself from the good verses and teachings in the Bible deserves respect.
If there is something in the Bible that inspires you to goodness, than hang on to it. Even, worship it if you want. Right or wrong, or logical, it is worth keeping. Doctor Robert H. Schuller may not agree with what I say, but I believe his goodness and greatness from the great and good and inspirational Bible teachings make others feel good about themselves and that is the good of his church. That is the good of the Bible. That is the good of any religion. That is the good in Dr. Schuler books. And, all these things are something I can believe in from time to time.
It does not lessen the value of teaching that may be in chapters of the Bible that contain myth and nonsense and is subject to interpretations. The responsibility of all of us is to shift and winnow through chapters of any book and find what has meaning to our lives and use it in our lives to do good.
Whatever book inspires me may be part of my religion… which is simply to love one another and to do good.
For me to be critical of religion or to have many questions for God does not mean that I have not turned over many questions or problems to God that are beyond my control. It is good psychologically for me to dump these problems on God. Whenever I am facing certain death (or common surgery or illness) I always ask for help to get through it.
CHRISTMAS IS SPECIAL
Scrooge was right!?
Christmas never made much sense to me. Jesus has a birthday and we wrap up presents for each other? Santa drops gifts down a few chimneys overnight, believe it or not? What I could do is that every year I made several merchants and credit companies very happy. I now let my wife, Dawn, do that.
Then it happened to me. Oh, nothing so dramatic as a visit from the ghost of Christmas Past, but a very different spirit came into my life – my wife, Dawn. She gives joy and love and makes life every day merry – making me feel like Alastair Sims in the last part of “A Christmas Carol” and like Jimmy Steward in the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life’.
The true Spirit of Christmas is knowing my wife and children are truly more important than any business; that a fun day is a happy lifestyle; that if the turkey gravy doesn’t turn out it won’t spoil my day; that my daily blessings are too numerous to count; that my happiness comes from within; and that the birth of my first Grandson is not a sign of old age, but of a new age.
The joy of Christmas is seeing my 96 year old grandma beaming with joy when she reaches out to touch the hand of a new male friend at the nursing home; when young children become intoxicated with the belief in Santa; when older children come home for Christmas; and, when I realized my spouse is the greatest spirit in my life.
Feelings make every Christmas special. The love of life every day is special. It really is a wonderful life.
INTRODUCTION
I would like to acknowledge the assistance of everyone I have known, discussed life with while I was growing up, attended church with, fell in love with, married, experienced death with, and I would like to thank the founders of the Consitution and the First Amendment for the right to share my thoughts with others.
I am the “WORLD’S RICHEST MAN” because I feel good about myself and all others. I have everything in life that I have always wanted, more than most. And I am happy with what I have. You cannot get any richer than that!
First and foremost, as of this writing, I have mental health. I am lucky. Others are not so lucky. Perhaps it is how they look at things or how they think that causes their mental grief. Perhaps how I think will help them think better. I wish to dedicate this book to those who need a lecture on their behavior.
Most authors do not want to blame you for your behavior, in fear you may not buy or read their book. But if you are to change behavior, you must realize that in the last analysis “you” must learn to live without expectations and accept responsibility for your own actions and inactions.
Mental health is your greatest wealth. Feeling good about yourself and others is what mental health is all about. You have to love and laugh if you are being consumed by hate.
No marriage can survive hate. There has to be love, someone to share your life with, someone to keep you sane, someone to make you responsible for your own actions, someone to make love with, someone to cook and clean with. Forget that last one. You need to love you as you are. My wife, Dawn, has brought me more happiness than anything else. She loves me as I am, most of the time. Those times when my behavior is less than desirable, she accepts me, does not expect to me to change, but may still hold out hope for change. When there is no hope, she loves me.
Riches greater than gold are my children. I have four wonderful kids. Each gives me great joy. Each is unique, each is wonderful.
I have a keen sense of humor. I can laugh at most of life and use laughter and humor to get me through a crisis.
I have all the money I need. Well. I could always use more. I sold my interest in the local bank, built a new home and business for my wife and I, and have enough to retire and write this book, and maybe another book.
I have the finest home money can buy. At least it is all I’ll need for a home and much more. And, I have owned and driven the finest car, an Accura Legend and a Mercedes Benz. However, I prefer my Jeep to bounce around in. It is a Wrangler and I do bounce around in it.
I know I can use my intelligence to survive any crisis. I proudly take responsibility for my own life, my actions, my inactions, and my thinking. Plus, I am happy. I am happy with myself and everything around. I am happy with almost everyone I know.
There are some people who do not use their intelligence to control their thinking. They let their emotions rule over common sense. And, there are those who let their negative thoughts throw them into depression. These people cause me great frustration in the past and present. I am giving them a copy of this book.
I am happy from within. And, I think I have the keys to your happiness. I could look at the above differently. What if I thought I was the world’s “Poorest” man”, did not like myself, did not like others, wanted more in life, worried about my mental health, thought God was against me, feared God and feared life and feared marriage or divorce? What if I found fault in my wife or family, had no sense of humor, wanted only to make money, wanted a fancier home and a more expensive car; and blamed others for my problems? I can answer that and so can you. I would be a very unhappy person. I would have a mental health problem.
Some people have every thing but are very happy. Why? I like to be happy. I choose to be happy! That is the key. You can choose to be happy! In searching for the right words to say that are short and sweet and can change your life, uplift your spirit and give all the knowledge you need to get through the most trying circumstances, I have narrowed it down to just a few thoughts and several. I want to share these thoughts with you and leave you with words worth remembering.
Unless you are really crazy and not capable of being helped, I expect you to help yourself. Áll I know is you have to change. I know I cannot change you, your Mom or Dad cannot change you, or your doctor cannot change you unless you want to change.
Ánd if you don’t want to change, than I want you to not try to use your hate and anger to try to control me. I have no patience for it. I will tolerate our differences, I will make adjustments, I will make compromises, I will love if I am loved, I will not love you if I am hated; but I will not tolerate your not treating me as an equal, as a person. I will not let you treat me like a dog. I will not allow you to dominate my thinking with your bad thinking.
I think my thinking is very healthy for me and would be for you. I will not let you change my basics. I will not let you walk in my head with your dirty feet. I will scold those who misbehave in interaction with me and teach what life, love, divorce, religion, death are really all about according to Bahr.
It will be practical do-it-yourself psychology with a bit of humor that says laughing at yourself helps. Every person has a book or two in them. This is mine. We all have life worth mentioning or thoughts worth sharing. I would like to read the thoughts of every man. A penny for your thoughts. Or $20.00 for thoughts in my book.
Live people do mess things up.
Two heads are better than one’s wonderful life.
I have lots of tolerance for intelligence.
We need to focus on goals.
I know I have so many ideas and that I never accomplish much else than thinking about all goals. I know I can do it, I have the idea, but all is over by the next Idea. I can bring happiness by encouraging others.
It is OK to care about others and show that caring quality. Fear is normal. Intelligent decision making is better. Fear is a waste of time. Worry does no good. Fear warns and helps you react in times of danger. Worry just causes what could be avoided by not worrying. Old Roosevelt quote: “There is nothing to fear but fear itself”, true. But we fear anyway. Just don’t let those fears run your life. Run the fear out of your life.
I have always said that I had two fears. Rats and electricity. If a rat bit me there would be no need to worry about rabies, I would die on the spot of a heart attack.
Laugh often and love much. You will judge yourself and others will judge you by what you accomplish and by how you act. As you choose how you act and react and what you accomplish, you determine how others see you.
It is O.K. to dream. It is O.K. to plan. It is O.K. to have. It is O.K. live your plans and dreams and fantasies, it not O.K. to plan to live in a world of fantasy dreams with your life. Get real. Get a life. Love life.
If I did not like myself, I would not like others. If I worried about my mental health, I would probably think others were against me. If I thought God was against me, I would not think God loved me. If I found fault in my wife and kids, I would be unhapp[y with them. If I had no sense of humor, I could not laugh off these fears.
If I wanted everything I see advertised, I would be unhappy with my purchases. If I wanted only to make more money, I would never have enough. If I wanted a bigger home than I can afford, I couold end up in default, If I wanted more car than I can afford, I would not be happy with my Acura. If I thought myself stupid, I would blame others for everything. If I failed to take responsibility for my own actions, Iwould be a very unhappy man.
Live. I want to share my wealth. I want you to be as rich as I. I want to help you become rich! I have found the secret to, riches, happiness, peace of mind.
I have pondered what to do with mytime in retirement. I do not want to shuffle papers, fill out forms, read printouts, balance general ledgers, collect past due accounts. I have done that. I have done that for 20 some years as a banker.
I would like to uplift the human spirit.
YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO MAKE “A” DECISION.
Life is not fair. Life never was fair. Don’t even expect life to be fair. And when it is unfair to you, you just have to make another decision.
Life is constant decision making. If you make a wrong, you just have to make another decision.
“No big deal”, as my son would say. I refuse to make your decisions for you, so you have to make your decisions.
Even as a child, you should be taught to make decisions. Some cannot make a decision withour great turmoil. Should I buy a Honda or a Buick? It is not a life or death decision. To agonize until the car was delivered is not necessary. To agonize after the car is delivered is also unnecessary.
You will make mistakes. I have. Sometimes you decide to buy the Honda, sometimes the Buick. But all you have to do in life is make another decision. Keep trying. You will get it right. Remember your mistakes so you do not make them again.
WHO DO YOU THINK SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU? For your own actions, for your reactions, for your thoughts. You choose how you react to life, to your spouse, to your employer, to others. You choose how you react to everything. No one else can do it for you. No one else is to blame for your decision or behavior. You are responsible for your behavior, you control, your reaction. If I or someone, does not react or act as you like, you choose how you react to that. It is your choice.
I am not going to tell you to pop a pill and calm down, or that your problems are caused by your childhood, or a chemical imbalance. I am telling you that you are your own problem and you thru intelligence can change the way you act, if you want to change. People mature and accept responsibility for their own reaction behavior sometime between age 10 and 95. The earlier the better.
You cannot control the way anyone else behaves or reacts to you. They control that. You cannot – nor should not try to control how anyone else behaves by using threats or other behavior to force them to behave how you would like them to.
No one can continue to practice unacceptable behavior and keep their friends, relatives, loved ones, mates or children.
If you expect me to behave in a particular way, to react the way you want me to, to be a certain way, you are going to be very disappointed. Because someday, I am not going to please you, I am going to screw up in you mind. You expect me to lecture you, so I do not want to disappoint. But if I lecture you, you are unhappy. I cannot win. You put me in a no win situation. You expect me to not bring up anything that happened, anything that was said, and if I do, you get angry. Is this all the chance you give anyone to talk with you on anything before you fly off the handle and threaten to quit the relationship? If you quit our relationship, what am I to do? Jump off the ledge? Or come on a white horse as a knight to rescue you? Eat worms? Send money? Change my will? Do you think you can control me by your threats?
I really don’t even know why you think I am a threat to you? I would certainly think you have real problems if you cancel me as a friend over anything I have ever said or done. Perhaps, someone convinces you that I am the enemy. Perhaps you yourself believe that I am the enemy. I am not the enemy. You waste your time and other’s time believing or blaming someone else or the past for your problems.
And, I do not believe that your problems today go back to your divorce, a custody battle, your first period, or the day your cookie crumbled.
Well, my friends the fault always lies in ourselves. As lovers or as bankers we make decisions. Some decisions are bad and some are good. If you take responsibility for your bad decisions, you learn to make another decision and a better decision.
To those who want to lay blame on someone else, I say, we all control our problems. We choose to see things as problems or challenges. We choose to see blame. We choose escapes or solutions. And if “you” are looking for someone or something to blame for “your” problems, blame me. I am strong, I can handle it. Even if you choose to never talk to me again, or send a card – I would survive, but not understand.
Others have gone thru the same divorce, or faced death of a loved one, or disease as you and I have and come out stronger. You choose! I choose! Everyone chooses!
If I did not like myself. I did not like others. I worried about my mental health. I thought others were against me. I thought God was against me. I found fault in my wife. I hated my kids. I had no sense of humor. I wanted everything I see advertised. I wanted only to make more money. I wanted a bigger home than I can afford. I wanted more car than I can afford. I thought myself stupid. I blamed others for everything. And, I failed to take responsibility for my own actions, I would be a very unhappy man and I would have a mental health problem.
Dr. Robert H. Schuller was a noted TV evangelist who ended his discussions with “God loves you and so do I”. That statement helped many people, because it you believe your God loves you or that he Schuller or someone loves you – you will feel better.
I freely give loving advice, that if followed by you or others will give you and them a richer life.
There are several points of life worth learning and using.
First, there are three types of people in this world. a. Those that can help themselves. b. Those that can be helped by others to help themselves. c. Those that can not be helped, and should be institutionalized.
People fall in group number one, and some days fall in group 2. It is very common. Nothing unusual about this at all. In bad days we all need someone to talk too, to take a long walk with, a good friend, me, your spouse, or a professional who can, yes, I have had the same feelings from time to time and I have overcome those feelings by knowing and doing “the following”.
I would not want you to think I have gone off the deep end of religion. People either believe in God or not, or accept his existence or just don’t know either way. But if you believe or not, much of how you and others live is related to man’s religious beliefs and values and norms.
I do think that the most helpful thing for all of us to know is that if there is a God, who loves you as we are. My own philosophy is that God is Love – the love you have for yourself, the love you have for others, and the love others have for you.
Your God loves you whether you believe in him or not, he loves you even if sometimes you do dumb things.
You now know that I love you, always will, even if you say dumb things to me, if you make me concerned, if you make me cry, if you hurt others, if you hurt yourself, if you will not listen to me, if you get a F in science, if you stay out past midnight, if you get pregnant, if you threaten me with the loss of your love, if you hang up the phone on me. Children may not believe that.
I have little patience for immature behavior from anyone. You may not want a lecture from me. You were living in my home and misbehaved, sassed me, I would take you over my knee and paddle your butt. I would presume you would understamd me, that I understand you.
Someone thinks you may have or had real emotional problems. They maybe right! You may overreact to something said or done by someone. Reation is a big cause for behavior errors! Someone is overreacting to you or to your reaction.
Why threaten your life over what someone else did? Don’t even expect life to be fair. When it is unfair to you, you just have to make another life. Life is constant decision making. If you make a wrong decision, you just have to make another decision.
You can have hope, you can look forward to things, but it is dangerous to expect a certain gift for Christmas, or the gravy not to be lumpy, or expect your mate to jump, or expect all the kids home for Christmas, or expect things between people will be perfect, or that a glance will mean something bad, or expect me to react in a certain manner suitable to you at all times.
Depression. Anxiety, hate, anger, and hostility are caused by yourself having unreasonable expectations. Getting high about things, than going into a depressed state when things do not workout to your expectations is not necessary.
Depression in its more serious stage is anxiety, anger, hate, hostility toward yourself or others. And that depression will last just as long as the previous high lasted. The ups and downs and the reoccurring cycle continues until you learn to live from day to day without expectations.
Your intelligence controls you and you control your use of your intelligence which determines if you understand and accept responsibility for actions and work to correct them.
Your self-esteem grows only when you are satisfied by your use your of your intelligence to become a better person.
Happiness comes from within. Others will not and cannot make you happy. First you must be happy with yourself, then others will make you happy too.
Never think negatively. Don’t let a single negative thought lead into another negative thought which leads to another negative.
Think positively! Think possibilities! In sum, you are the luckiest person in the world. You have your love, your beauty and brains, a slim body, no aids or cancer, you are not crippled. You have shelter, heat, air conditioning, clothes. You choose to accept your partner “as is”.
You choose whether you forgive someone and it does not mean that you cannot hope for them. You do not live in a war-torn environment.
Laugh at even serious things. It is far better to laugh at things, than to laugh at nothing.
Developing a keen sense of humor saves you from dipping into depression over life’s challenge’s.
There was a time in my life that I believed there were no sane women.
A good woman can teach you that there are sane, normal women who do not get upset easily and can control their feelings and that not everything is the end of the world. Women and men can both be sane, or crazy or somewhere in between; but they must use their intelligence to choose to be sane.
There are going to be days when your cookie crumbles, when the world does not seem perfect, when life is not perfect. Perhaps you are mad at the world, perhaps you are mad at someone.
Normal people often find it very difficult to communicate their feelings, their fears, their concerns. Think how difficult it must be then for the mentally ill person who fears to express those turmoils.
It is difficult for friends or spouses or relatives to read a person with any degree of accuracy. You do not know what is going on inside another person. A person may not communicate.
The value of experts who are trained to spot problems can be helpful. Many of us never learn to accept ourselves as we, or to face ourselves, or even to get to like ourselves.
We may not even understand how we feel about things. We never open up to self examination or to another. We lock in our emotions and we head for trouble. We can try to bury bad feelings, but they are not going to go way. We see inner turmoil as being weak, and we don’t want anyone to think we are weak. We feel we can overcome our weakness just by refusing to believe those feelings exist. We are threatened by our feelings and try to shut them out by locking them in. We will not discuss or acknowlege the feelings or admit or face them.
Later we will have to face either our feelings or the consequences of not facing our feelings. It is difficult to face ourselves. Usually, when we have to face ourselves, we find we can and are better off having done so.
Admitting our innermost feeling can be very stressful. Denial of feelings just does not work. Some force keeps bringing them to the forefront until we have to face them. If nothing else, by denying your problem, you only face a lifestyle of denial.
He came from an emotionally deprived home, thus he has a problem. She came from a home where emotios were not expressed, therefore she has a problem. Feelings simply built up inside a person like in a pressure cooker, than the cover blew off and mayham results.
I now have a low opinion of those who get too emotional. They dwell on their situations too much. I don’t burden people with my problems, so I think they shouldn’t burden me with theirs. I’ll open up if necessary. They should grow up.
Some people prefer to live in their fantasy worlds and not face reality. They deny real life. They let their emotions run their lives. Others remove their emotions from their processes.
YOU CAN’T LEARN IF YOU WON’T LISTEN
Talk to your brother. If he sins against you, go and talk to him seven times. Courts pick winners and losers. They increase the blame and neither party wins in a law suit – just the Attorneys. Is better to go talk to your accuser, and if he does not listen, take a friend with you, and if your acxcuser still does not listen, take your problem to your minister. This is the cheaper route. Someone along the way will help you forget or solve the problem before you use the last resort – the Courts.
GROW AND LET INTELLIGENCE DO THE THINKING
Your intelligence controls you and you control your intelligence. Your use of your intelligence to understand your problems will work to correct them.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN.
Others will not make you happy. First you must be happy with yourself, then you will likely make you happy.
“It takes the whole village to educate a child”. This old African sying best describes the education process. Learning is more than schooling. Schooling is more than just reading, writing and is the key to success in this technological age.
We need high skills to compete with others and other nations in our world. If you want high wages, you must have high skills. To have high skills, you must have quality education.
Quality production and education go hand in hand. To compete internationally we put on quality education. We need to learn from Germany and Japan who produce better students, better health care systems. We need to learn how to compete with ourself. When we increase our knowledge about others and our self, we increase our happiness. As we get involved, we will also risk at times increasing sorrow.
Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes we choose the wrong answer and are faced with trying a new answer. And, just knowing all you have to do is try something else for a solution is a step forward in the learning process. Have expectations. We all do. You try to match those, those images you feel others want or expect of you, that you see on TV.
We need to look at each other differently. Not as gays, not as blacks, not as conservatives or liberals.
We need to grow up and realize that we are all in this together. If you don’t grow together, you will soon drift apart.
HAVE TO ACCEPT OTHERS AS THEY ARE.
Regardless of race, we have to accept other humans as they are.
Your intelligence controls you and you control your thoughts. Your use of your intelligence is to understand your problems, accept them, and work to correct them. Your self-esteem will grow when you are satisfied you used your intelligence to become a better person.
My orders are hard and direct, putting all the blame on yourself and demanding that you make the necessary changes to your character. Correct your behavior. It will be the most exciting experience. It challenges our minds and encourages our learning.
To give you this advice on my office couch and charge $200 per hour I need a Masters and a PHD in Psychology which means I have to complete a Major in Psychology plus 3-5years in furthur Psychology studies.
I can’t council you on marital matters legally except in this book.
Busgalia’s wonderful book “Living, Loving and” tells this beautiful story about animals all taught the same thing regardless of there abilities or interests. Teachers teach all animals the same curriculum. But can you teach a rabbit to fly because it is good intellectually discipline? Can you teach a bird to burrow in the ground like a gopher? But if you will need to fly or burrow holes in the ground, must be required to learn these disciplines to get into or out of college to be a doctor. The animal story illustrates that we have to make our education relevant.
I was told it is not as important to learn Spanish as it is to have forgotten it. I am not certain I accept that. We are forced to take 12 credits of this, and 12 credits of that. We take a dozen survey courses that want us to memorize what there is to know about Biology only to have been exposed to it, dispite the fact that we do not remember it after cramming it into our heads for a test; and we won’t remember it, because we had no interest in the course beyond meeting a University requirement.
Lincoln read law books and became a lawyer – a very good lawyer and President.
Teachers teach. Students rarely learn. That is we rarely learn what we want to learn by taking all the required courses.
When I wanted to be an attorney I was first told to get a degree in history and political science. When I went to the Law School to inquire about getting in, I was told I should have taken chemistry.
You could have the best algebra teacher in the world, and if you do not want to learn algebra, you will not learn it. We learn if we want to. If you have a teacher that can teach, that can make a subject interesting, who can drive a subject home, he is worth twice what he is being paid.
I once had a professor at Willamette University who was a real scholar on the Bible, and so interesting in a class on the New Testament, that I got an “A” in the course.
We need an education program that puts more emphasis on us to get along with other people. Seems to me the most important change needed in our educational system. It should start in kindergarden. We must teach children not to brood over small grievaces, not to get upset over ungrateful acts of others, over the loss of friends, or expectations not delivered.
Too much time is spent brooding over little things that should be forgotten. Some things won’t make a difference twenty years from, don’t make an issue of it now.
A word form a teacher, the right pat on the head the right hug for a job well done can change a’s life for ever.
I had an Algebra teacher in Oshkosh write in my Annual that I was the best algebra student he ever had. Wow, that make me feel great! And I didn’t even like Algebra that much. Thirty years later, I hardly understand what A+B=C means, but I will never forget those words written by my teacher about me.
It is true that at times an understanding of some algebra may help you solve a consumer problem, but it is rare, and I still don’t understand how Algebra, Advanced Algebra, Geometry in High School made my life any better.
Learning Disabilities is a term that I think is used to discribe all types of situations in kids. Many children just plain don’t like reading or arithmatic, or have an “attention deficit” disorder (Which I think that means a short attention span to the subject at hand) therefore have difficulty with these subjects.
It does not mean that they have a mental illness or even a mental problem.
My own son was said to have a learning disability when in the custody of his mother. He had two challenges. One, he was legally blind in one eye and two he had moved to six or more school districts in his first few years of his education.
These are not “learning disabilities”. An adult who cannot see or is moved from school to school semi-annually will get poor grades in his studies.
How would you like to be classified – “LEARNING” or “ATTENTION DEFICIT SYNDRONE”? If you had problems in school before you get classified “ADD”, you will see yourself as a slow student, a disabled mind, a mental problem. Just think what effect it will have to know that you are now officially a confirmed sicko.
One son could not learn science. I spoon fed it to him nightly. He got a “D” slip notice in the mail from the teacher. We got an “A” in the class of a teacher he liked. Children who are poor in one thing are good in another. They can and do learn in other areas of interest to them. How about labeling kids the things like they excel in. Rather than calling a child a “Math Disorderly”, how about calling him a “Social Genius”. Not a “Science Deficient”, rather a “Sport Scholar”.
If we emphasize the positive, the child will do better in the math or science class. Some students have real problems in eyesight. Let’s not use these physical disabilities as “Learning Disabilities.
Let’s see that the disability is corrected to the best of our ability, and refer to any deficiency as a step toward greatness. Kids can and will learn and improve their performamce if encouraged.
If being defined something as a nerosis or behavior disorder we are not encouraging.
Healthy people have good self-esteem, the personal worth which helps them to be effective. I think people who are not healthy, who have health problems feel inferior, incompetent, pessimistic, depressed, unloved and rejected.
Thes difficulties can only intensify problems.
In these condition, you need the support of a loved one or friend.
If you are left to cure yourself you need to understand if you have a problem, what it is, and how you can change the way you think or act.
Our birth is very necessary for our lives. I cannot remember my own birth, and everyone has died that was around to witness it.
I can remember back to my crib days in a brown crib in my mother’s bedroom at my Grandmother’s house. In my early childhood years, my mom said I cried lots. I had colic so at least I had an excuse to cry. I think I cried out, but I don’t remember. Far as I remember I rarely whined about much.
Complaining about life’s little problems, doesn’t do much good and is apt to drive someone else crazy, so don’t do it. Don’t let yourself whine. Start early by telling your children they have nothing to whine about. Unless you have a good excuse, you have nothing to cry about.
I am convinced that the more you let a child cry in their crib, the more they will whine if they do not get their way as an adult. So I encouraged letting a child cry in their crib until they were cried out and new it did no good to cry. Oh, I would check their diapers for an open pin, then leave them to cry their hearts out so that I would not have to listen to them whine for 70 years.
There is nothing I hate worse than to see a child or adult throw a tantrum if they do not get their own.
EDUCATION
We should compare our country not on the number of bombs we have, but on the quality of our schools, the size of our classrooms, the number of our teachers, the ability of our students to read, write and do arithmatic.
Teachers are expected to deal with all the problems and failings of parents and society. They must groom the President to be great, they must forsee the psychotic serial killer and prevent him from ever becoming one.
COMMANDMENTS:
These commandments I give onto you both:
#1. Learn to live without expectations.
#2. Learn that happiness comes from within.
#3. Believe in the God that believes in you.
#4. Believe in the good teachings of Jesus. “God is Love”, “Honor Thy Father”.
My conservative teachings come from a good friend and preacher in Belleville, Wisconsin . The UFO Capitol of the World.
Now, you would think a town spouting this sort of handle would be more open to liberal thinking. Well, some are and some aren’t and it is not for me to judge what is right about some of these issues. This is an issue I have resolved for. It is one of the few issues that I am wondering about.
I would not abort a life. I would not want to be aborted. I would not want my wife to have an abortion. If I was aborted I would not have fathered children, touched and changed the lives of many, some custody cases for the rights of children, parented two wonderful step children, loved Dawn, or otherwise sabotaged the world. And yourself, what if you were aborted?
Don’t bottle up your feelings, or take a bottle to drown your bad feelings.
I figure you are either skinny or fat or in-between. I was trained to clean off my plate which has become clean up the leftovers so there are none.
To lose weight simply exercise more, and cut down on eating. Especially sweets and alcohol.
DON’T RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE
It is easy to become a politician. You simply promise everyone what they want to hear; kiss babies; hug women of all ages; promise farmers subsidies and senior citizens catastrophic insurance; promise welfare recipients more welfare.
I predict that the next politician you vote for will be just like the last one. He will not deliver on his promises. His budget will be bigger than the last budget. He will spend all his time trying to look good and his opposition look bad.
Rockefeller had a simple plan to become rich.. Go to work early.. Stay at work late..
There is no better way to judge the future, than to know the past.
We are taxed most by our own laziness. “Live below your means”! was a Volkswagon Bug billboard ad back in the 60’s.
Marriage, There is life after marriage .
If your religion taught you that sex is dirty, change your religion. Healthy marital sex life will definitely make your marriage last.
Grandma was in a nursing home and her hearing was all but gone. Dawn and I visited her and woke her up to talk to her. As I was leaving, she called me back to her bedside and asked, “Gary, did you find me a boyfriend yet?”
I said, “No, do you still want one”? “Yes”, she. I said, “What kind do you want”? “One that can take me out of here, and to your house and stuff!” she said. I told her I would keep looking. As I started to leave, she motioned me back and said, “Make sure he does not have aids!” Well, I hope at 95, that I still think about such “stuff”. A week later she asked again if I found her a boyfriend. Dawn said, “What would you do with a boyfriend?” Grandma at 95, almost 96, replied, “Love him up!”
When I get old, I want to go on living.
THE JOY OF NOT WORKING
Never thought I would enjoy retirement. I thought I would have to keep right on working. I thought they would have to wheel me round the bank until one day I just keeled over counting cash. I have been been much luckier than most, I got to retire from the bank the tender age of 48. Someone wanted my Bank shares more than I. Officially went to work for a large Realtor, but did not like the big-office-dog-eat-dog climate. And, I didn’t need the money.
My wife did not like me gone nights and weekends, days and weekdays. She was going to run a bed and breakfast out of our new home and make me rich.
So why work? Why work if you don’t have to?
Women tend to worry about growing old far more than men do. They start to go crazy over their aging. It is one of their biggest fears. I just see aging as a process I can’t stop so why worry about it. Women want the process reversed. Some start dressing like teens as they age. Believe me women, at fifty and trying to look sixteen it is not pretty.
Love does not make you blind. It scrambles the brain. You can’t think straight when you’re in love. You do dumb things. You make mistakes at work. You daydream. It’s wonderful!
I never believed in love at sight until it happened to me.
LOVE AT EACH SIGHT
You do not have to hate your spouse or your x-spouse. You do not have to hate your father or mother. You do not have to hate your brother or sister, cousin or friend. You can choose to love them as they are. You can even set an example.
You can still be honest with them and tell them you don’t like certain behavior, but you still love them even if they choose to misbehave. Too idealistic? Perhaps. But it is a wonderful feeling for you to eliminate hate and anger which can only consume you too.
When you have no one to love or no one to love you, you will be unhappy. Love is critical to happiness. At least you can choose to love someone. You do not have to withhold your love just because someone does not love you.
Bahr loves you as you are. This does not preclude you from becoming a better and more lovable person. I accept you as you are freely, freely give my loving advice – that if followed by you will give you a richer life.
I love you anyway. Certainly, you now know that I love you, always will. If you say dumb things to me, if you make me concerned, if you make me cry, if you hurt me, if you hurt yourself, if you will not listen to me, if you get a F in science, if you stay out past midnight, if you get pregnant, if you threaten me with the loss of your love, if you hang-up the phone on me – I still will love you.
LOVE YIELDS HAPPINESS
The Indian maiden said to Captain Kirk in an old Star Trak,”The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.” Why not begin your happiness today.
Love is many things to many people. It means different things to different people.
When I was previously unhappily married, I use to think my dog treated me lot better than my wife had. When I was looking for a woman I wanted someone who loved only me. Wow! Did I get lucky.
Give your love, show your love, it costs you nothing. Listen to your mate, you mightlearn something. Find someone you love to hug. Wow! How powerful you can be with such a simple tools as a hug, a kiss, an understanding, a listening ear.
And, be proud of who you are, what you are. You can be you and be happy. You do not have to be someone else.
Hate and intolerance are wasted emotions.
DO NOT MESS UP MY HEAD
Jesus showed the world how to end the arms race and quit spending billions on weapons to defend against enemies. He simply declared that we love one another. Begin making friends with old enemies and renew froendships with friends. Make friends with your kids, neighbors and fellow employees.
Hate and intolerance are weaknesses. These are wasted emotions and should be swept out of our heads.
Love thy neighbor theme means love all neighbors. Love grows with no expectations. With inner peace, you can choose to love all others, accept them as they are.
I once mentioned to my buddy, that the most beautiful women seem to marry jerks, strange men.
Who is the strong one? One who perpetuates hate and fear, or the one who is strong enough to promote love and acceptance?
Love is wanting to be with someone. Anxious to get home from work, willing to spend all weekend with that person.
Love is the best way to live, to modify our behavoior and the behavior of others. Love can be all things. Love is a learned behavior which we learned from others and which can be relearned.
Love is not jealous or unkind and should be the main teaching in Sunday School, Grade School, Middle School, High School and College.
Love should be the required course. 16 credits of Love should replace 16 credits of lanquage.
In the fear of loving, we forget how to love. In the fear of rejection, we refuse to love and that is why we do not feel loved.
You have to love yourself inorder to love others. That does not mean you have to be an egotistical SOB or narcicist. It you are happy with yourself, you likely will be happy with others. If you don’t like yourself, you will take it out on others.
If my love is neurotic or sick, all that I could teach you is, possessive, sick love.
If your love for me demands I never cast my eyes on another lovely woman or be caught talking to someone of the opposite sex, your love is not good. If your love turns hateful if I talk to another woman, neither you or I will be loving.
You must realize that words will not hurt unless you let them hurt you. You alone choose how you react to the words. You must be able to rise above words.
The power of love exceeds all other powers. Love can end hate and anger and hostility. A simple broadsmile can disarm almost anyone.
You can try it on your child. When he or she is being obstinant, give them a big smile and they will break out in a smile and all is well.
There is an old Swedish proverb that sums up the good life. “Fear less, hope more, Eat less, chew more, Whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours.”
Laughing is good for almost any occassion.
Make problems into opportunities. There are aspects to every idea, including your mate’s ideas. Ask how can we compromise, rather than demanding your position. Solve problems together.
I have little patience for immature behavior in anyone. You may not want a lecture from me.
Maybe you are over-reacting to something said or done by someone. Over-reation is a big cause for behavior! Perhaps someone is over-reacting to you or to your actions.
As a friend, don’t take sides, especially if you’re also a friend with the other party. As a friend, just listens, say you have had similar experiences, and that you feel the way to handles things is an honest conversation with the one who has hurt you. Get those hurts our in the open. Open up those feelings. open the wounds so they can be cleaned up, disinfected, and healed.
Don’t worry about others taking your side or the other person’s side in a dispute or divorce. What others think has little to do with your decisions. Few people actually take sides. Often they just seem to agree with you.
Marriage with love is everything.
Marriage without love is nothing.
Being angry with your spouse, children, relatives, friends, employees is a waste of energy.
Two angry people are not better than one.
Forget criticism. Make your spouse feel like the most important person in your life. She is. Say loving things. Greet each other with a hug. Alway go to bed happy.
I called my bother Ken, the expert on wedding costs, after marrying off seven of his daughters. Those weddings ran from $300.00 to$4,000. On the $4000.00 one, the grooms parents picked up part of cost (tradition now) and the kids paid part.
So I offered my daughter $500 and if she did not use it all, she could just keep it.
Some folks spend 10’s and 100’s of thousand on a wedding. Take the money and elope.
Communication is so important in a marriage or relationship that have to start teaching communication techniques in school.
Women need someone to talk to, and most men don’t fill the role of very well.
There are three types of people in this world.
- Those that can and are willing to help themselves.
- Those that can be helped by others and will let others help.
- Those that can not be helped, and should be in institutions.
Most people fall in group number one, and some days in group number two. This is very common. Nothing new about this at all. On bad days we all need someone to talk too, to take a long walk with, a good friend, or a professional who can say, yes, I have had the same feelings from time to time.
A good friend is cheaper, but has to be honest with you to be helpful.
Depression, anxiety, hate, anger, and hostility are caused by your expectations as are getting high about things, than going into a depressed state when things do not workout.
Scientists have not fiqured out how the brain works. It is the brain that we can blame for many of our problems. If we let it control us, if we let its chemicals go unchecked, we can become normal, abnormal or in-between.
Everyone thinks differently. It is their brain that controls how they think, and the programing they have had since a child and how their chemicals mix in their brain after such programing. You think we can, to a certain extent, control how we think and our programing or thought processes.
We are all practicing psychiatrists, trying to analize our mates, kids, our co-employees, relatives and friends. In most cases it is not necessary. If we always ask ourselves why someone acts the way they do, we are probably pretty insecure about our own mental health.
It is often good that we have some basic understanding of how they feel and where they are coming from, but it is not necessary to psycho analyze everything and everyone.
You cannot change the past. Stop worrying about it. Nothing you can do can change the past. Stop trying. All you can do is change the future. You do this by making new decisions. In fact, everything we do will change the future. Each decision we make makes a change in our future. The important thing to remember is that if your decision does not work out, all you have to do is make another decision.
Latest disorder I have heard about is the Ugliness Disorder. You guessed it! You think you are ugly, therefore you have this disorder. And. if you believe that, you do have a problem. The problem is simply incorrect thinking.
You think you have a disorder, I as an untrained psychiatrist say you have the “Disorder Disorder.” That is the ultimate of disorders. How about thinking you have the Positive Thinking Syndrone. That would be the best disorder to have, and you can have it simply by thinking positively.
How about thinking you have the “I’m Happy from Within Disorder, IHFWD Syndrome. If you are going to think you have a disorder, why not chose a good disorder. The point is you are what you think you are.
In the movie, 1984, the introduction boldly announces that he who “controls the past, controls the future.” This book states that”YOU” controled “YOUR” past, “YOU” control the present, and YOU control YOUR future.
What you do changes the future. I believe there is nothing you can do to change your past. So why worry about it. At most you can apologize for any wrong. But, there is much you can do to change the future. And, there is much you can do to change yourself. In my past life I was a banker, and I always said that when went wrong it was because someone wasn’t thinking right. Thinking right causes few problems.
Everyone thinks differently. Memorize the preceding line. This is the most important line in this book. Realizing that everyone thinks differently is important for you to learn to accept others as they are. Everyone thinks differently because they process information differently. Often there is no right or wrong way to think. Sometimes there is wrong ways. There are just many ways to think. I am fortunate to be truly happy, content with myself, and not angry with anyone else. My mental health is, I believe, my greatest wealth. =
I believe that I think properly, and that you can too.
I psychiatrist once said to the wife, “If you threaten your husband with behavior that means you will commit suicide if he stays with you and threaten that you are going to commit suicide if he leaves – you give him no choice.”
He told the husband that she only wanted another chance. The husband said, “I have given her hundreds of chances. And that every six months I give her another six months to straighten out her life, and another six months after that; and that in these six month periods, absolutely no progress has been made.”
In sum, he told the husband that “She just thinks differently than you”.
Seemed crazy advice to say that “she just thinks differently than you”.
It is often the simple. Others think differently that we do.
Eventually we have to choose to help ourselves.
Weeks later I realized that the psychiatrist was right about things.
I want to share my thoughts on life and behavior with you. I want you to understand how I think, how I process information, how I overcome my fears, and direct my energy into positive thoughts and thus a positive life. If you can learn, if you can use your own intelligence to change your life, this book will help you.
Even positive thinkers have occasional negative thoughts.
You bought this book knowing that it contained the secret for you to never be depressed again in your life. if you believe that, you have wasted your money. This book, and any other book, will not save you from depression. It may help you understand it. It may help you understand that you are human. Two good books that I have read are written by a local priest who has counseled thousands of patients on depression. Raymond E. Runde in my mind understands depression better than the few psychiatrists I have dealt with in marriage or a custody battle. Read both his books “Walking in Old Shoes” and “Depression, The Dark Night of the Soul.”
BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR PROBLEMS
What can you do about your depression and negative feelings? Everything. You can stop blaming others for your problems. You can work a life without medication, alcohol, or drugs to get you thru. You can try to become strong enough to tell you psychiatristyou you can make it on your own; and work for the day when he can tell you that you can make it on your own.
I want you to be able to say that you control the way you think and you determine how you react to other people and that now you will be in command of your life. I want you to realize that you can help yourself. You can only truly depend on you. You are helped when you realize that only you can help yourself. You may need to find ways to keep yourself busy. You may need to stop thinking negatives thoughts. You may need to take medicine, lean on your psychiatrist for help, or turn to God for help. You may simply need a good friend who will listen to your and point out that everyone has had these problems and similar feelings.
MENTAL HEALTH
My eldest son, Trenton, recommended I read “Living, Loving and Learning” by Leo Bascaglia. I read it when I was visiting him in California. He said “Dad you would enjoy this book!” He was right. I picked the book up from a Sacramento bookstore and sat on the beach reading it and laughing as I read. People on the beach must have thought I had lost my marbles as I laughed outloud from time to time.
I read it again on the flight home to Wisconsin, and the woman next to me heard my first lecture on how to straighten out her head as I explained the goodness in that book. The book is a must for anyone trying to understand human relationships and love.
Often we need a rap on the head to get us thinking straight. The truth is that happiness comes from within. This is what I want to do for you. I want to take your copy of book – after you have paid for it -and rap yourself on the head with it. Any book will act as a substitute.
I cannot tolerate people who can’t think straight, who are filled with fear, hate, and hostility; who treat their children or spouse like dirt; who cannot get along at work, at church, at school, at home, with a waitress, with the telephone operator, their boss or with fellow workers.
When you learn that happiness is not found in a bottle, is not at the psychiatrists office, and does not come from anything at work or at home; when you learn not to expect your spouse, children, your boss or your friends to make you happy; and when you learn that you make your own happiness within you, then, and only then, will you become a truly happy person.
When you stop blaming your x-spouse, your parents, or others for your problems; you will be able to overcome your problem.
There are a few other books that I have read and truly enjoyed that should be read by everyone. I find that the books I like most are those that seem to think like I think.
Everyone should read “The Holy Bible”, by various authors. The New Testament is worth reading. I prefer the Revised Standard Version, it reads more smoothly. Religion is a large part of all of our lives regardless whether we attend church or even believe in a God.
There are many passages and sometimes a single phrase which can inspire you in your life. Many of your feelings and fears are rooted in this book or your religion based on its intrepretation.
Everyone will enjoy “Living, Loving and Learning”, by Leo Buscaglia. This book made me feel good about myself and how to love and understand what real living is all about.
“Walking in Comfortable Shoes” and “Depression, the Dark Side the Soul”, by Father Raymond Runde; and “The Myth of Neurosis”, by Wood gave me an understanding about depression and made me feel that another’s depression was not my fault.
“When Bad Things Happen to Good People”, by Rabbi Harold Kushnerthe best book to learn about death and understand it.
All books by these authors and all the books by Dr. Robert A. Schuller are recommended reading. Dr. Schuller will help you know that God loves you and that you have worth and can help or get the help you need. You should also read this book, and reccomend it to a friend.
To the extent that my writings are inspired by the above, I thank them. Their writings have from time to time given hope, helped me overcome fear, death, helped me make decisions, helped me understand life, changed my life for the better, and lent to my own view on things.
I have read Leo Busgalia’s book “Living, Loving and Learning” several times and underlined it or highlighted it so many times I am not sure which highlight color is the most important. I take it with me on flights to somewhere and enjoy it every year or two or three. I buy up used copies and give them to friends in need. The reason I enjoyed that book so much, is that Leo thinks like I think, and I always like to see my thinking supported by someone.
Love means everything in life. If you are lacking in love, you will be suffering. Leo teaches that you can learn to love. You can. And, you can learn to think and behave in a way that you will be loved.
Which came first, courage or fear? This is an opportunity for learning.
Help for those who can help themselves. I know I view the world in far too simplistic terms. I think that life would be less complicated if everyone saw more simply. I realize that if I were a psychologist I would have a name for every variety of human being for every behavior action or reaction of humans. But, I have three classifications of people those who can help themselves, those who can be helped by others to help themselves, and those who cannot be helped and should thus be intitutionalized.
I recognize only two types of behavior. Appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. Most of us know the difference between the two. Most of us know instantly when our behavior is appropriate or not.
My book is directed at those who can help themselves and those who can be helped by using their own intelligence to overcome their problems.
Some may need to submit to the help of a good professional or good friend who understands their feelings and can listen and discuss those feelings in an intelligent way.
You can learn how life should be lived and what constitutes thinking for a healthy attitude on life, parenting, faith, love, sex, marriage, hate, divorce, and death.
MENTAL HONESTY WITH YOURSELF AND DOCTOR
I believe the human mind and brain to be very complicated, which no one completely understands, and that few understand, and no one understands completely.
I see the honesty of the individual that needs some help and seeks help as a key to being helped. You must be honest with yourself and your doctor.
Your willingness to truthfully discuss your problems is the key to your getting help. And, I see the use of your own intelligence as the key to curing your own ills and thoughts. What good would it do to pay a psychiatrist for help and not be honest with him?
To say you are seeing a Doctor for your depression; are taking your medicine; and are getting better and it is not true, what have you gained. You may fool the doctor, but probably not. Be truthful with the doctor so he can help you.
You may think you are fooling your spouse, but they know if you are getting better and they can count your pills to see if you are taking your medicine.
A major problem with people suffering from depression is that they stop their medication whenever they “think” they are getting better. It was not possible to confront the spouse with a pill count as than the depressed person will simply flush a pill daily down the toilet to appear to be tking the medicine. In some situations you cannot win.
Some patients will tell their spouse they are seeing a doctor. Question why their psychiatrist does not want to see the spouse or family? They always want to see the family for therapy.
I also know that some professionals or your friends can believe your sincerity in getting help. But what good is it if you re not. You only hurt yourself to lie about getting help.
So, unless you really want help and are honest about your feelings to a friend or a doctor, you are not going to get the help you need.
It would seem so foolish to pay a professional for help, or to confide in a friend but hide the truth from them. But it is done all the time. We are all very human, which means we are reluctant to admit we need help with our emotions.
We are quick to blame someone for how we feel. I believe we must admit our faults, and we must understand our difficulties, and we must not blame someone, but rather we must confront ourselves with our self and learn to deal with ourselves and our daily challenges.
I have learned to stumble my way through life. I have made it. I have learned. I have even made the same mistake more than once. And, I have learned.
It is when you don’t learn by your mistakes that I would like to rap you on the head with this book.
As, I have no patience for those who will not try to help, who will not listen to common sense, who will not to lift themselves up from depression and ignorance to happiness. I have no patience for those who want to “walk in my head with their dirty feet” and muddy up my thinking with depressing and negative thoughts.
First clean up your thoughts, wash away your self-pity, scrub your depressions, erase your unhappiness, cleanse yourself of bad thoughts, all by using your innate sense of right and wrong. Then you can enter my mind with your “cleaned” thoughts.
My interest in helping those with mental problems comes from life experiences in past relationships. I am sure my Dawn would not want you to think that I am talking about her mental health, when I refer to those experiences. I am not talking about her as she thinks like I do.
And that is critical, and very nice to have in a truly happy marriage. I do not think I have problems. This is my biggest problem. I not think Dawn has problems. If I thought I had problems, I could not write this book. I may have faults, but no serious mental problems that keep me from good choices and leading a happy life.
However, I did have this problem of being a caretaker for for some who had emotional problems.
I had to learn to be strong enough mentally to say to some, that I will no longer be a caretaker.
Rather, that I would help educate another to help themselves on thinking, and help them firmly to get on the right path, and demand that they use their own intelligence to accept heir behavior and start acting their age.
I will not tiptoe thru you head, saying to you only the things you want to hear, or the things that will make you happy, or the things that will keep you from getting angry with me.
I will help you with the reality of your own self. I will not leave footprints in your head when I walk thru. I will leave only imprints. I want to see you learn to walk thru your own head with clean, healthy imprints, leaving marks of improved thinking.
Scarey, isn’t it?
We are all practicing psychologists, studying behavior, trying to modify someone else’s behavior. But I know it is hard for me to know how I think, much less understand how someone else thinks.
But I think I can tell you some things which make sense and help anyone feel better about life. I may not be a replacementfor your psychiatrist or psychologist, but I will be your friend.
And in the word of Dr. Schuller, “God Loves You and so do I”. This will help you to the road to right thinking.
That is why sometimes just having someone listen to you like a good friend or family member can be great medication.
I can’t help but to question that they need medicine to correct some mental problem, as they seem normal enough to me.
Children may need a temporary pill to calm them down or relieve my nerves, but to medicate for learning disabilities or for attention disorders is to medicate the whole world from time to time.
I know doctors who have a prescription for every person’s complaint, or for every form of behavior known to man; but can only think of my mom dying from liver cancer after taking several different medications a day for her normal ailments, aches and pains. Her cancer specialist was so mad, was embarrassed over fellow physicians incompetence, and simply said she did not need a single one of those pills! My father died of a similar fate, numerous medications mixed with alcohol and chemical abuse, took his liver.
My Step father at least had eight medications to take a day, and he had a heart attack just after his doctor changed medications without realizing results of taking the new medicine with all the others he had. And, the last time the doctor changed his medicine he died of a heart attack just hours later. My point is that the use of drugs over long periods of time can be just as abusive of your heart or kidney or liver or brain as alcohol.
My own impression is that the normal person is far to intelligent to be mentally ill, and that they must learn to use their brain to understand, know that depression is curable, that medication should only be temporary for them or their children, that they have a friend in themselves and in you.
You have a very difficult job, trying to help is not easy, especially if they do not realize they have a problem, and advice is rarely well received and is often even resented.
We all need to learn to accept each other as we, including Mother-in-law, including your teacher or your kids. No one likes criticism from another, it only causes hard feelings. And my greatest advice to anyone is to learn to live without expectation of others.
My belief is that therapy or pills are not the cure or the long answer for behavior modification. We need to understand the”illness excuse” which some people use to excuse their behavior. I do not accept excuses for behavior as long as I see that you have the ability to control your behavior. And, I refuse to take responsibility for another’s behavior, as we all choose how we react to others. In the last analysis, the best anyone can do is not judge. Encourage one to use their intelligence.
If you are dianozed with manic depression you caan hide their feelings in front of strangers which may be good for the depressed persons appearance. But not good for getting help. You may be the best mate and the best friend they could have. But they may not be good for you. You may have to go your separate way if they do not take medicine, if they do not go to their doctor, if they do not confront their illness, and if they refuse to change.
If you can help yourself, if you are willing to understand your problem, and if you know you can be helped, you can see a future with hope and happiness.
You will never get happiness from another, it must come from within you. If you look to others for happiness, you will one day be very disappointed when the other person fails us.
I have lots of questions about the human mind and how it works, and how it works differenty in different people.
And, I am convinced from the start that it is to difficult to define the complications of the mind in any given human being at a given time. So, if we cannot know what is going on in a person’s, perhaps all we can do is try to guide their thinking process. We can say, this is how you should act or react in a given situation.
If they do not act a given way, well, there is little we can do about it. I can see a book much like a foreign translaor that you can look up an event and get definition how you should react to that event.
But life and the human mind is far to complicated for that. So, all I can do is tell you what I think is thinking right, and you must use your brain to decide if you will use my thoughts to your advantage.
If you do not like yourselp, change.
Ben Franklin once said that we should either write things worth reading or do things worth writing.It is in this spirit that I write this book.
I believe I have developed a balanced approach to thinking that I want to share with others and to bring to everyone the simple belief that “Happiness comes from within”.
You can develop and must develop your own happiness. I think that humans have failings and can benefit from what I have to say. I want to change attitudes about how we think. I will deal with my life experiences.
I have searched for an answer to manic depression and mental health problems in several mental health books and self help books. I found and answer for myself. I learned to wonder why all the excuses for mood and manic depression? I knew people could stop their behavior as soon as a non-family member walked in the door, or when they knew their extreme behavior was not going to get the response from me that they had hoped.
If they could controlled her behavior in front of others or when their bad behavior was not bringing desired results, why can’t they control their behavior all the time?
I had accepted that there was nothing I could do for that persom.
I wondered that if someone could be so mean and hateful one moment and change when a customer walked in or a neighbor stopped by, why couldn’t they change for me, or for themself.
They would not change for me. I hope they changed for themself.
Why can’t people control their behavior at all times?
I have come to believe that like an alcoholic, you can do something about your mental health, you reach the low point, and when you have lost your will you realize the need to change your ways. I will never find an answer for you, but I did find an answer for me.
Someday you will read the answer, be given the answer, or see the answer on TV.
Do you get angry with others? Do you think we should not waste the energy on changing a person?
It takes a lot of feelings, lost hours of sleep, tears, terrible things said about the other person, hurt feelings on both sides. Being angry is simply a waste of energy.
Go to the person and tell them how you are feeling and talk it all out. You will be surprised to learn that they have feelings, and that they were hurt by you and your feelings.
Do people act like you are radioactive. They’t talk to you, they won’t look at you, and hear thru gossip that they are mad at you. You don’t understand those feelings toward you, you either accept the other person’s feelings or confront that person with your questions and try to get to the bottom of theirs.
Enthusiasm and self confidence and faith in yourself is very contagious. I sold real estate for a living, I always told my salespeople, that “Enthusiasm Sells.” It does. makes you feel good and makes others around you feel good. A good salesperson has a good enthusiasm.
The way we process information is precisely why we react the way I do. And, why someone else with the same info may process it differently and react differently.
THINKING STRAIGHT
They just think differently than you do! Two people get hurt in a bad relationship.
If You count on a vacation to make you happy, you have to always be on vacation.
People behave the way they feel will best control your response, that will best get them the response they want. This being true, their are a 1000 ways that other people will use to try to get your response. Remember, people think, thus one person may use a competely different approach than another may use to get your to be loving toward them.
One may threaten your life, one may wisper nice things in your ear. There area as many people as methods to get the response they want, it is for you to know how to respond. But if you always respond with warmth and consideration it will make your choices less confusing, and believe me goodwill always produces better results for you.
You love someone, you accept their faults, and you get angry when they lock their keys in the car and you have to run 40 miles to let them in it; or they forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste.
Is that love if you are angry. Because crap happens.
I have developed my own theory on happiness over the years. I have an answer for myself. You could go to a psychiatrist for an answer. He listens for 55 minutes, bills you $185.00. He has some answers your problems. He tells you that your problems are due to your childhood traumas, your genetics, your Mom or Dad, or some crisis. You like to hear this, that you do not blame yourself for your unhappiness or your behavior.
I do not know if you can ever find happiness. Perhaps with a real belief in God and that god loves you as you are.
All I know is that from my own experience and knowledge that my god loves me as I am and accepts me and my failings. For me knowing my god is a loving god and believing such may be to good for you. God to me is just another nnecessary fear of many. I say love the god that love you and makes you feel good about yourself.
If you are a happy person, it is not because of a home you own or the person you love, it is because you are happy with yourself, you are happy within and all these other things around you are a result of your personal inner happiness.
You can achieve to be happy from within. I am just as happy within whether I rent an old house or live in the best house in the county.
I am happy from within whether someone loves me or not. I am happy whether I have money or am broke.
You are responsible for how you feel and how you are happy or unhappy.
We act unhappy and we act out our feelings toward others. From your visits to the psychologist, you may feel that the responsibility for your actions can be blamed on some sort of illness.
Can you have the self respect you need to change the way you are if you are led to believe you are not responsible for the way you are? I think you must admit that you and only you can change the way you, because you are responsible for the way you are.
You realize your own responsibility, than you make the changes that will give you self respect and thus make you feel happy. The psychiatrist offers you an ear or a pill. He finds an excuse for your behavior. i do not offer an excuse. I do not blame your childhood or your chemistry. I blame you for how you act. I do not give you an excuse for your behavior. I ask that you accept that blame and that you do something to change your unhappiness.
Face your fears and act to change your fears.yourself with your fears. i do not think any of us really can help another persons problems by not being honest with these people that they have a problem, and that problem is there behavior and that only they can do something about it.
THE ONLY THING TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF
Fears are not worth having. You can go thru life fearing the loss of your child, and we all do this. I did this. Why spend a life time worrying about something that has not happened or may not happen?
it is normal for us all to have anxieties and fears bad dreams and moments of depression. So letting one know that they are not alone with their fears is a starting point in helping a friend overcome their fears.
Help people to confront their problems and fears is what you can do. You may lose their friendship by telling them that they have a problem they must confront, but you not be a friend unless you risk telling your friend they must confront their problems.
Forget the past. A solution to your unhappiness is not in the past. It is in the future. When you realize that only you can change your unhappiness and you actions, you must build upon the future with bad positive.
Put all the negatives of the past in the garbage can. It does not hurt to get those old feelings out, but you wasting your money at the psychiatrists telling him all your past garbage at $200.00 an hour? An the pills he offers you will only give you temporary relief from your problems. Your problems will not go away rehashing your past or taking a pill.
If you need these temporary relief bandaids of venting and discussion it does not hurt to unload to your phyciatrist. But long term progress and change in your behavior will only take place when you take the necessary steps to change the way you feel and the way you act.
A friend will not let you use any excuse for your behavior. I will demand that you change. I will listen, but tell it like it is! I will let you know I have had the same experience and the same difficulties and that they are human, and that you offer the greatest hope for you.
I believe that the mind is far to complicated to say that this gene causes your problem, that some event in your life has left your incabable of happiness.
If I had the problem I could understand better how you feel if you have a chemical imbalance or think you have a problem. All I can say is think you have an “opportinity” or a “challenge”.
If you can’t handle criticism, redicule or rejection, whose fault is that? You have to learn to take rejection, to not get upset with the least form of redicule or criticism?
You can choose how you respond. No one else can choose for you. Only you can stregthen your self esteem. No one is perfect. Often your response is very human, so why get down on yourself just because you are like a human. There is nothing wrong with being human.
Certainly it would be wonderful if everyone accepted what someone says in the same way. Then we would all know what to expect from others and how to respond. Thus knowing your response is the same as mine, we could not be upset with you, as you respond just like I would. I think this would be a boring world.
We will never achieve the state where everyone’s response is the same, so we must learn to accept the various responses we will receive.
But the same words are not taken in the same way by everyone. Some will get upset with any response.
But you can choose your response to others. You do not have to get mad at them or the responses of others. We all do, but we can begin to minimize how upsetting the words of others are. The fact is that people do not think like you think. their questions and answers are not always going to be to your liking. You don’t have to like everyone or their words or how they look at you. And, they do not have to like your words or your looks. do you change these feelings?
We all want to appear proud and humble. why not be proud and humble? There is nothing wrong with honest humility abd honest pride.
I have a good ego too, I always have said, it is better to be too proud, too big of ego, and even be boastful, than to suffer in shame or guilt.
I have sought inner self well being. I think inner happiness comes from within for myself and for others. I don’t honestly know how to teach anyone to have “happiness from within.” I wish I could.
Let the positive radiate from from each of us and let it rub off on others. What is your net worth, your self worth? What are you worth to yourself? It all depends on one thing. It depends on how you feel about yourself.
If I could choose to be one person, it would be Jesus. This man taught self esteem, self worth, and found it in everyone. He did not condemn you.
If you now go throug life getting upset about every little ridicule or criticis you upset. I want you to take action and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have to acquire self-respect. Youl want to feel pride. You want to have respect, honor, glory and dignity. We hate being disgraced or humiliated, or embarrased in any way. That is human. You have to stop it from happening to you, by knowing you should not feel these negatives.
You have to learn to respond positively to any situation. It is exactly what you must do. A good sense of humor will help. A good ego will help. Do not be ashamed to be proud of you. Self-respect is extremely important.
It is not a sin to like youraself. I have listened to preachers and teachers preach that having a big ego is a sin. Perhap some big egos go too far. Perhaps an ego without honest humility is wrong. But a healty ego is not wrong. I do not like those who think they are too good, and much better than anyone else. But ego is not this way. A healthy ego does not disrespect, dishonor, dispair or disgrace. A good ego is that you believe in yourself. Or if you believe in God you will feel better about yourself if you believe your God loves you and believes that you are worth loving. You may be saved if you believe God believes in you, that God wants you to not only to believe in Him, but also to beleive in yourself.
Sometimes you need help in believing in yourself. A loved one, your family, your church, your minister, your fellow worker, a friend, or anyone is often essential to make you feel good about yourself.
There is nothing wrong with having such support from others. It is human. And there there is nothing wrong witrh being human.
Seek help. To ask someone for help in dealing with problems is not demeaning. To see a psychiatrist is not demeaning. To participate in group therapy is nt bad. Seeking help in time of need is good. It is good to seek a doctor for a broken leg. You simply need someone to believe in you when you do not believe in yourself.
Many mask their being. On on the surfice they appear to be thebest and most perfect and most loving person, business man or woman. However, they often feel unworthy, unloved, unwilling to accept love, unable to feel love, and unable to give love.
Why do they feel this way? They have everything going for them – a good life, a good home, a good job, a good family and they feel unhappy. Why? Well, happiness comes from within, from that self love, that strong ego.
When they feel good about themselves they are that wonderful person. When they feel bad about themselves, they are a horrible person to get along with.
They are not beyond help. I may not help be able to help them. The medical doctor cannot help if they do not take their medicine or show up for appointments or follow their advice.
No one can help you more than yourself.
Gary Bahr - Author of the Universe 